Motherhood is a journey.
It is not one for the faint of heart.
It will test you every single day.
When I first entered motherhood in July of 2010 I was over the moon excited, happy and also filled with anxiety and fear. In an instant you are solely responsible for a beautiful living being, a blessed child brought into this world for you to take care, no matter what. That is an overwhelming feeling. But it is rewarded with the overwhelming feeling of love. Love like nothing ever felt before. Mothers have trouble explaining it because it is beyond words; it is more than light itself. The joy, the happiness, the selfless feeling that takes over a mother, it is purely indescribable.
The birth of my first was unique and beautiful and hard just as every mother. We all have our story where one chapter ends and a new one begins and it starts with the birth. For some it is painful and easy, others it is hard and awkward and others’ it is disappointing and heartbreaking. It is unique for each of us because it is our journey and now our child’s journey, no two are the same. My daughter came after days of being uncomfortable and completely immodest, against all my expectations. With all effort to do it without the miracle of an epidural that just wasn’t in my cards. The pain, the exhaustion, the frustration had left me almost lifeless, barely being able to stay coherent. I was so fortunate to have my husband there by my side. He is my rock, my support, my best friend, my lover and he was my knight in shining amour. He took charge when I no longer could communicate; he knew what I needed and demanded I get it. Within a minute it seemed I had my epidural and for once everything seemed to focus again. We went on like the last couple hours didn’t even happen. We moved forward, it was going good.
But then the alarms went off. What was going on I asked but no one really said anything, the staff went into emergency mode. It was hard to process as she was on her way out. As I was rushed into the surgery room they grabbed my husband to get him scrubbed in. I had no idea what was going on. I know I was in bad shape. They laid me out on the surgery table, flat. This wasn’t good because the extreme acid reflux I had caused acid to come up from my mouth and nose. So breathing was getting difficult and one point the awesome sweet doctor taking care of my head asked how I was doing and I was just crying and choking. He got me as comfortable as he could as they prepared for the C-section. I turned to him and asked where my husband was. He was like “oh my! let me get him!” Poor hubby was outside the door waiting to be let in after being scrubbed also not knowing what the hell was going on.
Finally there by my side the surgery began. It seemed like forever but my guess it was only a few minutes. Then my most awesome doctor delivered our baby girl into the world, perfect. She barely cried and came out eyes wide open. She shocked my doctor! She was look at those eyes! I still wasn’t myself and not doing well and lost a lot of blood. My hubby held my hand the best he could as we heard the first little newborn cry while they cleaned up Big P. After she was good and cleared my husband didn’t know if he should stay with me or go to her. I said go with her. She needed him until I was ready and we were in this together. It took exactly an hour to get me stable and finally I was reunited with my sweet baby girl and my wonderful husband. Her first picture was taken exactly one hour after she was born, snuggled in her daddy’s arms. He never had time to grab the camera so we never got one when she was first born. It is still his favorite picture, mine too. In that whole first hour I had not even been able to touch her and only saw her briefly as they held her up. I was still trembling in shock so my hubby stepped in again and got a nurse to give me something to help. And then I finally got to hold my baby girl. It was the best moment in my life. I cried. For an hour this little girl just stared into her daddy’s eyes and didn’t fuss even once. Nurtured by daddy’s love is all she needed. Needless to say she is a daddy’s girl, lol.
It was not what I expected for the birthing process but like I tell everyone you have to flexible and ready to go with whatever is necessary. You have to trust your doctor, which I did. My doctor was the best and also delivered little p too but that’s a different chapter in the journey of motherhood.
So what happened on how all this drama came about? Well, when I was pushing Big P out her heart would stop and my blood pressure would drop. It came to be then in the last moments of being in the womb she managed to get the cord wrapped around not once, not twice but three times. Which means every time we pushed it was cutting off her life supply. But they couldn’t see what was happening. It was the quick thinking and not hesitating of my awesome doctor’s actions to immediately go with a C-section. She was not taking any chances. I am forever grateful for that. I still wish I was able to hold her, feel her -really get to see her when she was first born but I was so lucky to have my husband there. He stepped in when I could not. That is the journey of parenthood. I am so lucky to go through it with someone who loves our babies as much as I do. But he also respects the journey of motherhood. He knows I don’t ever get to clock out and will sacrifice my needs at any moment for them. This is only the beginning of my journey of becoming SeahorseOwl. More to come!
Our Seahorse Journey Begins…
Please leave a comment and tell me about your experience! I love to hear how unique each one of our beginnings is.
They grow so fast.
